However, I keep thinking about my little Meryck. His kidney isn't doing so well. You'd never know by looking at him that he is and has been sick. It's a strange feeling when you look at your child and miss him. I don't know how else to explain it. I feel like I want to spend every waking moment with him. I don't mean it in a way to neglect my other children, but I feel like Meryck needs me. The teenager doesn't really need me (well, not as much) - I am here for him. Kyle needs me too, but differently. Kyle being autistic isn't the most lovey type of child. I will admit that he loves on me - and only me - he misses me when I'm gone - he doesn't like when I go to work, but overall, he is pretty independent when I'm home. Meryck, on the other hand is not. He is always by my side. It doesn't matter what I'm doing - cleaning, on the computer, watching TV, whatever - he wants, no it's like he needs to be by my side.
I look into his little eyes and see such an old soul. I wish everyday that I could fix him and his medical issues. I look at him and know all the things he has gone through and also know that there will be so much more that he will have to go through. My heart breaks and aches for him. I fully realize that my children are on loan to me - I don't "own" them...but Meryck...he's so...loving. My eyes well up with tears just thinking about him. Unless you have a child with Prune Belly Syndrome and Chronic Kidney Disease or a chronic, life-threatening illness, you won't know what I'm talking about.
My heart is filled with fear because of the knowledge I have that I may not see my baby grow up. I could very well lose him. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy every day I have with him. I give him as normal a life as I can. I play with him. I love on him. I cherish him. I cherish all my children. It just so happens that Meryck is the baby, my last baby, my cuddle-bug, my cling-on...
I don't use the word "hate" much because it is such a strong word, but I hate that he has only one kidney and it is going bad. I hate that he has to get blood drawn every 2 months. I hate that he has had several surgeries. I hate that he has to have tons of testing done on him. I hate that I might lose him!
I don't like being blue. Usually, I will hold it inside until it goes away or just ignore it and keep living, but I just can't shake it today. My baby, my sweet love...
If anyone reads this, please pray for Meryck. Please pray that he live a long and happy life.
I've lived through some pretty horrific things, but how strong do I have to be...
Stefanie
