Jokes that can be told in church...

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in
white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color
of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her
life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 

'So why is the groom wearing black?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running
as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible
class.
As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me
be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb
and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her
dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started
running again! As she ran she once again began to pray,
'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...but please
don't shove me either!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their
fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few
words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give
him $50..'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a
few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they
give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a
sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the
money!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married ,
she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten
instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They
wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want
them to take me out when I'm dead.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would
you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He
answered, 'Call for backup.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and
Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem .. A small child
replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten
Commandments with her five and six year olds. After
explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy
mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without
missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not
kill.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created
everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed
especially intent when they told him how Eve was created
out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as
though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the
matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my
side. I think I'm going to have a wife..'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after
hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the
other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus
turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow
old because you stop laughing! I thought you would
enjoy this....times are tough right now.....for all of
us...so we need something to make the day a happy place.
"They" haven't found a way to tax you for laughing yet.

Stefanie

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's

and shyly walked up to

the woman behind the counter and said,

'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '

' What type of bra?'

asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,'

said the saleslady,

as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour

and material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'

Relieved, the man asked

about the types.

The saleslady replied:

'There are the Catholic,

the Salvation Army,

the Presbyterian,

and the Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled,

the man asked about

the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded,

'It is all really quite simple. ...

The Catholic type supports the masses;

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;

The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used

to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why,

but couldn't figure out

what the letters stood for,

it is about time

you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs... 
{B} Barely there... 
{C} Can't Complain!.... 
{D} Dang!.... 
{DD} Double dang!... 
{E} Enormous!... 
{F} Fake... 
{G} Get a Reduction... 
{H} Help me, I've fallen

and I can't get up!...

They forgot the German bra.

Holtzemfromfloppen

Ok, ladies, time to get a breast exam or your mamograms! Take care of them!

Stefanie

Matthew 10:32

No one 
falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.

No one 
stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.

 

And no 
one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE

 

 

Matthew 10:32...

'Whoever acknowledges Me before men, I will acknowledge him before My 

Father in heaven.  But whoever disowns Me before men, I will disown him

before My Father in heaven.'

Stefanie

Here's some all natural advice!

Here are some natural remedies that seem much better than spending an arm and a leg on medicine for. Thanks Mom! Go Green!



Eliminate ear mites ... All it takes is a few drops of Wes son Corn Oil in your cat's or dog's ear, massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites and accelerates healing. 

Kill fleas instantly ... Dawn Dishwashing Liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Good-bye fleas. 

Rainy day cure for dog odor ... Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh. 

Did you know that drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately - without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional pain relievers? 

Did you know that Colgate Toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns? 

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose. 

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 tablespoon horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as amassage oil for instant relief for aching muscles. 

Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria. 


Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly - even though the product was never been advertised for this use. 



Honey remedy for skin blemishes ... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile and speeds healing. Works overnight. 

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus ... Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine Mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again. 

Easy eyeglass protection ... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear Nail Polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them. 

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer ... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly. 

Smart splinter remover ... Just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue. 

Hunt's Tomato Paste boil cure ... Cover the boil with Hunt's Tomato Paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head. 

Balm for broken blisters ... To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine, a powerful antiseptic. 

Vinegar to heal bruises ... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process. 

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief ... It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain. 

Stefanie

Remember!

Stefanie

Wordful Wednesday

Grandma's Hands - author unknown

"Grandma, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench. She didn't move, just sat with her head down staring at her hands.

When I sat down beside her she didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if she was OK.

Finally, not really wanting to disturb her but wanting to check on her at the same time, I asked her if she was OK. She raised her head and looked at me and smiled. "Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking," she said in a voice clear and strong.

"I didn't mean to disturb you, grandma, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK," I explained to her.

"Have you ever looked at your hands," she asked. "I mean really looked at your hands?"

I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands I thought, as I tried to figure out the point she was making.

Grandma smiled and related this story:

"Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years. These hands, though wrinkled shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life.

They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child, my mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots. They held my husband and wiped my tears when he went off to war.

They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent. They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special.

They wrote my letters to him and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and my spouse. They have held my children and grandchildren, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn't understand.

They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body. They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this day, when not much of anything else of me works real well, these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer.

These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of life. But more importantly, it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when He leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of Christ."

I will never look at my hands the same again. But I remember God reached out and took my grandma's hands and led her home.

When my hands are hurt or sore, or when I stroke the face of my children or husband I think of grandma. I know she has been stroked and caressed and held by the hands of God. I, too, want to touch the face of God and feel His hands upon my face.

I sure do miss your hands Abuela!

Stefanie

Hazlenut tree

My mother sent me this email and I thought it was pretty cool, so I decided to share it with you all! Enjoy the fun!

WHAT TREE DID YOU FALL FROM?   Find your birthday and then find your tree. This is cool and pretty accurate.  Find your tree below and see what you are like ... Dec 23 to Jan 01 Apple Tree Jan 01 to Jan 11 Fir Tree Jan 12 to Jan 24 Elm Tree Jan 25 to Feb 03 Cypress Tree Feb 04 to Feb 08 Poplar Tree Feb 09 to Feb 18 Cedar Tree Feb 19 to Feb 28 Pine Tree Mar 01 to Mar 10 Weeping Willow Tree Mar 11 to Mar 20 Lime Tree Mar 21 (only) Oak Tree Mar 22 to Mar 31 Hazelnut Tree Apr 01 to Apr 10 Rowan Tree Apr 11 to Apr 20 Maple Tree Apr 21 to Apr 30 Walnut Tree May 01 to May 14 Poplar Tree May 15 to May 24 Chestnut Tree May 25 to Jun 03 Ash Tree Jun 04 to Jun 13 Hornbeam Tree Jun 14 to Jun 23 Fig Tree Jun 24 (only) Birch Tree Jun 25 to Jul 04 Apple Tree Jul 05 to Jul 14 Fir Tree Jul 15 to Jul 25 Elm Tree Jul 26 to Aug 04 Cypress Tree Aug 05 to Aug 13 Poplar Tree Aug 14 to Aug 23 Cedar Tree Aug 24 to Sep 01 Pine Tree Sep 02 to Sep 12 Weeping Willow Tree Sep 13 to Sep 22 Lime Tree Sep 23 (only) Olive Tree Sep 24 to Oct 03 Hazelnut Tree Oct 04 to Oct 13 Rowan Tree Oct 14 to Oct 23 Maple Tree Oct 24 to Nov 11 Walnut Tree Nov 12 to Nov 21 Chestnut Tree Nov 22 to Dec 01 Ash Tree Dec 02 to Dec 11 Hornbeam Tree Dec 12 to Dec 21 Fig Tree Dec 22 (only) Beech Tree TREES (in alphabetical order) Apple Tree (Love) -- quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal, And attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive, loyal in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, many talents, loves children, needs affectionate partner. Ash Tree (Ambition) -- extremely attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with fate, can be very egotistic, reliable, restless lover, sometimes money rules over the heart, demands attention, needs love and much emotional support. Beech Tree (Creative) -- has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.). Birch Tree (Inspiration) -- vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere. Cedar Tree (Confidence ) -- of rare strength, knows how to adapt, Likes unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, a great speaker, determined, often impatient, likes to impress others, has many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waits for the one true love, able to make quick decisions. Chestnut Tree (Honesty) -- of unusual stature, impressive, well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times, fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit. Cypress Tree (Faithfulness) -- strong, muscular, adaptable, takes What life has to give but doesn't necessarily like it, strives to be content, optimistic, wants to be financially in dependent, wants love and affection, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves to gain knowledge, needs to be needed. Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness ) -- pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but  not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical. Fig Tree (Sensibility ) -- very strong minded, a bit self-willed, honest, loyal, independent, hates contradiction or arguments, hard worker when wants to be, loves life and friends, enjoys children and animals, sexually oriented, great sense of humor, has artistic talent and great intelligence. Fir tree (Mysterious ) -- extraordinary taste, handles stress well, loves anything beautiful, stubborn, tends to care for those close to them, hard to trust others, yet a social butterfly, likes idleness and laziness after long demanding hours at work, rather modest, talented, unselfish, many friends, very reliable. Hazelnut Tree (Extraordinary ) -- charming, sense of humor, very demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression, active fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of judgment and expects complete fairness. Hornbeam Tree (Good Taste) -- of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, is not egotistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of the unusual, is seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious. Lime Tree (Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough time to use them, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal. Maple Tree (Independence of Mind ) -- no ordinary person, full of imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress. Oak Tree (Brave) -- robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action. Olive Tree (Wisdom) -- loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people. Pine Tree (Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company, craves peace and harmony, loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poetry, not fashion conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls strongly in love but will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft, low self-esteem, needs affection and reassurance. Poplar Tree (Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative, talented, not very self-confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously. Rowan Tree (Sensitivity) -- full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, un r est, and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive. Walnut Tree (Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, sometimes egotistic, likes to get things done, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, uncanny flexibility, unique and uncommon partner, often admired, ingenious strategist, occasionally jealous, very passionate, rarely likes to compromise, most optimistic view.. Weeping Willow (Melancholy) - likes to be stress free, loves family life, full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with when pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they find that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make others laugh.

Stefanie